A very weird thing has happened.
A strange old lady, has moved into my house.
I have no idea who she is.
Where she came from, or how she got in!
I certainly did not invite her.
She wasn't here and the next day, she was.
She is a clever old lady.
She manages to to keep out of sight
Well...most of the time.
But whenever I pass a mirror
I catch a glimpse of her.
And whenever I look in the mirror directly
To check my appearance, there she is!
Hogging the whole thing
So I can't see my gorgeous body.
This is very rude.
I have tried screaming at her to stop it
But she just screams back!
She is really quite frightening.
If she insists on hanging around
The least she could do is pay a little rent.
But, no! Every once in awhile...
I find a dollar stuck in my pocket
Or some change under the sofa cushion.
I don't want to jump to conclusions...but
I think she is stealing money from me.
I go to ATM and withdraw $100 dollars
And a few days later it is all gone?
I certainly don't spend money that fast!
So, I can only conclude that the old lady
Is pilfering off of me
I think that she could use some of that money
To buy some wrinkle cream...
She really needs it!
Money isn't the only thing I think she is
Food disappears at an alarming rate too.
Especially the good stuff ...
Like, ice cream, cookies, and candy.
She must really have a sweet tooth...but
She better watch it because...
She is really packing on the pounds!
I think that she is tampering with my scales
To make me think I'm putting on weight also!
For an old lady, she is quite childish though.
She likes to play little nasty games..
She goes into my closets when I'm not home
Altering my clothes, so they don't fit!
I think she is messing around with my files
So I can't find them?
It is annoying since I'm a rather organized
She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record
The programs that I correctly have programmed
She has found other ways to annoy me!
She gets my mail, newspapers and magazines
Before I do and blurs the ink so badly..
That I can't see it!
She has really messed up the controls on my
TV, radio and telephone!
Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.
They just aren't like they used to be!
She has done other things too!
Made my stairs steeper, the vacuum heavier
And all of my knobs and faucets hard to turn
She made my bed higher, and now it is a
She also gets to my groceries before I put them
And applies super glue to the lids!
Making it almost impossible to open them.
Is this any way to repay my hospitality?
I don't even get any respite at night!
Her snoring has awakened me more than once.
It is very unattractive!
And as if that isn't bad enough
She doesn't confine her tactics to the house!
She has a way to sneak into my car...
And follows me everywhere I go!
She has taken the fun out of shopping for
When I try something on
She tries on the same exact outfit!
And stands in front of the same dressing
She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit!
And she also keeps me from seeing
How great it looks on me!
Just when I thought, she couldn't get any
She proved me wrong!
I went to get my drivers license picture taken
And just as the camera shutter clicked
She jumped right in front of me!!
Now, who is going to believe...
That the picture of that old lady is me?
She is walking on very thin ice now
And if she keeps it up...
I swear I will have her put away!
BUT then, on second thought
Maybe I shouldn't be too hasty.
I think I will check with the IRS...
To see if I can claim her as a dependent.
OH, OH, I wonder if she has beat me to that
Because...She is always on my computer too!!
~sigh~... What is a body to do????