Thanks to you for your emails
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in
the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that
needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water
buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove
rust stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these
Products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my Face...disfiguring me for
life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked
with a needle.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume
sample and rob me.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number
for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore,
and Uzbekistan.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free
replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it
bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
Oh and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my
car because I
can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
pm this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's
cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day...
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